https://thecontinentalreporter.com/world/The Continental Reporter is a satirical news site. Deadpan reports, columns, and man-on-the-street panels about a nation that cannot agree on the thermostat. All names, quotes, institutions, and events are fictional.en-us© 2026 The Continental Reporter. The Continental Reporter is a work of satire. Names, quotes, institutions, and events are fictional.Thu, 08 Oct 2026 09:30:00 -0400https://thecontinentalreporter.com/world/samsung-profit-too-large-to-store/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/world/samsung-profit-too-large-to-store/Thu, 08 Oct 2026 09:30:00 -0400Continental Press ServiceWorldThe record figure, driven by demand for AI memory chips, now occupies 11 data centers and must be backed up nightly to a second, slightly smaller profit.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/world/diplomats-agree-on-nothing/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/world/diplomats-agree-on-nothing/Fri, 02 Oct 2026 18:10:00 -0400Harriet LoweWorldFive days of talks among 14 delegations produced a 42-page communiqué consisting entirely of bracketed text, and a 90-day extension that is itself in brackets.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/world/un-speeches-exceed-limit-by-eleven-years/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/world/un-speeches-exceed-limit-by-eleven-years/Thu, 24 Sep 2026 17:30:00 -0400Harriet LoweWorldThe overruns, measured by a podium light that delegates have not looked at since 1960, have moved the session’s projected closing date to March 2038.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/world/nfl-melbourne-crowd-returns-for-day-two/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/world/nfl-melbourne-crowd-returns-for-day-two/Tue, 15 Sep 2026 06:30:00 -0400Continental Press ServiceWorldMelbourne Cricket Ground officials said roughly 41,000 spectators accustomed to matches lasting five days were back in their seats at 10:30 a.m. Saturday with sandwiches and a thermos, waiting for the second innings.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/world/neighboring-country-annoyed-we-call-it-neighboring-country/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/world/neighboring-country-annoyed-we-call-it-neighboring-country/Tue, 11 Aug 2026 18:30:00 -0400Harriet LoweWorldA 14-page diplomatic note, delivered at a reception where the coffee was described as ’tepid but sincere,’ asks that the country be referred to by its name, which the note spells out three times.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/world/prologis-buys-segro-stores-it-in-warehouse/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/world/prologis-buys-segro-stores-it-in-warehouse/Wed, 05 Aug 2026 07:50:00 -0400Continental Press ServiceWorldThe only warehouses large enough to hold Europe’s leading owner of warehouses belong to Europe’s leading owner of warehouses, analysts said, and it has agreed to be kept in one of them.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/world/trade-talks-collapse-over-what-a-trade-is/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/world/trade-talks-collapse-over-what-a-trade-is/Wed, 22 Jul 2026 17:40:00 -0400Harriet LoweWorldNine days of negotiations among 11 delegations ended without a definition of ’trade,’ after one delegation offered its deputy finance minister and a second-round pick.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/world/wimbledon-strawberry-seeded-fourth/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/world/wimbledon-strawberry-seeded-fourth/Wed, 08 Jul 2026 11:30:00 -0400Continental Press ServiceWorldThe berry, now served at £2.85 a portion after holding its price for 15 years, has beaten three scones and a Pimm’s and is the first fruit to reach the last eight since the seedings began.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/world/continental-delegation-walks-out-not-invited/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/world/continental-delegation-walks-out-not-invited/Fri, 19 Jun 2026 18:40:00 -0400Harriet LoweWorldThe 14-member delegation had attended three days of the Varenne Forum on Regional Cooperation, co-sponsored two working papers, and been served 211 cups of coffee before checking the guest list.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/world/estadio-azteca-applies-to-compete-in-world-cup/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/world/estadio-azteca-applies-to-compete-in-world-cup/Fri, 12 Jun 2026 10:25:00 -0400Continental Press ServiceWorldThe stadium, which hosted matches in 1970, 1986, and Thursday’s 2-0 opener, submitted a roster made up entirely of seating sections and a goalkeeper described as ’the north end.'