White House Ballroom Ahead of Schedule, Now So Large It Contains the White House
Officials say the structure will be substantially finished by November, at which point the executive mansion will be relocated to a small table near the dance floor.
Ellery State University
$110 Billion Studio Merger Closes; Combined Company’s First Act Is Merging Every Movie Into One Movie
The single film, which now contains both studios’ entire libraries playing at once, runs 11,400 hours and will satisfy a court-approved requirement of 30 theatrical releases a year by starting at 30 different points.
Man Who Has Not Discovered Anything Spends Fourth Straight Day of Nobel Week Waiting by Phone
With four prizes announced and two remaining, Gary Tunstall, 61, said he is now focusing his hopes on economics, citing ’extremely strong views on the price of a sandwich.'
White Sox Fans, Two Seasons Removed From 121 Losses, Report Not Knowing What to Do With Their Hands
With Chicago leading Cleveland 2-1 in the American League Division Series, fans who spent three years bracing for the worst say they have nowhere to put the brace.
City Council Spends Four Hours Debating Whether Bench Is a Chair
East Varnum Borough Council voted 4-3 to table the question until it can determine whether the council itself is seated on chairs.
Department of War Abolishes All Hours After 5 a.m. as Insufficiently Lethal; Pentagon Has Now Been at Dawn for Six Straight Days
Following last week’s early-morning workout with 600 troops, the department says it has eliminated noon, the afternoon, and ‘whatever 3 p.m. thinks it is,’ and that the sun has been notified.
Man Who Says He Never Watches the News Cites Eleven Hours of It
Dale Pruett, 58, said he gets his information from real people, then summarized a weekend panel, two evening segments, and a call-in program he identified by the host’s first name.
Coach Says Team ‘Played Hard,’ Declines to Specify at What
A review of game film found the Ellery State Herons played several things hard in a 38-6 loss to Kessler Tech. Football did not appear to be among them.
Athlete Thanks God, Coach, Agent, and Specific Brand of Sandwich
Ellery State running back Kyle Ostrander’s 41-second postgame acknowledgment named four parties, the last of which was a 9-inch toasted Italian sub with provolone, available at 14 locations.
UN General Debate Speakers Exceed 15-Minute Limit by Combined 11 Years in First 3 Days
The overruns, measured by a podium light that delegates have not looked at since 1960, have moved the session’s projected closing date to March 2038.
NFL Plays First Game in Australia; Crowd of 100,021 Returns Next Morning for Day Two
Melbourne Cricket Ground officials said roughly 41,000 spectators accustomed to matches lasting five days were back in their seats at 10:30 a.m. Saturday with sandwiches and a thermos, waiting for the second innings.
Pell Junction Council Votes 4-1 That Man Who Sat on 11 iPhones Invented the Foldable, Bills Apple $21,989
Gene Halloway, 63, has folded 11 iPhones in half since 2014, the council found, all of them years before Apple unveiled its own foldable on Wednesday and all of them still, he says, working.
Institute for Common Sense Releases 400-Page Report Concluding Things Are ‘Fine, Mostly’
The report, 39 months in preparation, consists of a two-page executive summary, 397 pages of appendices, and one page of findings that reads, in full, ‘Fine, mostly.’
Congress Funds Government 4 Weeks Early, Will Stage Historical Reenactment of Deadline on Sept. 30
With the stopgap signed into law Sept. 2, lawmakers have 28 days with nothing to be up against and have begun rehearsing, in period dress, the all-night session they no longer need.
Washington Monument Finishes Fourth in National Mall Grand Prix, Supporters Say It Was Too Inspired to Stay Put
The 555-foot obelisk, which had not left its spot since 1884, completed all 147 laps of the street circuit established by executive order, stopping once to pit at the Ellipse.
Man Who Skipped Every Meeting Demands to Be Included in Decision
Keith Larrabee declined all 37 invitations to a 14-month coffee machine selection process, then sent a reply-all to 212 colleagues asking why no one had asked him.
Town’s Only Roundabout Declared ‘Too European,’ Replaced With Four-Way Argument
The Hollis Bend Village Board voted 4-1 to remove the traffic circle at County Road J and Main Street and adopt Ordinance 26-114, under which right-of-way is awarded to whichever driver makes the most persuasive case.
Neighboring Country Reportedly Annoyed We Keep Calling It ‘Neighboring Country’
A 14-page diplomatic note, delivered at a reception where the coffee was described as ’tepid but sincere,’ asks that the country be referred to by its name, which the note spells out three times.
Spider-Man Opening Weekend Revised Upward From $355 Million to $360 Million, and From Three Days to Four
Monday’s actual figures pushed the film past the all-time opening record by $2.9 million and, according to box office trackers, pushed the weekend past Sunday by about 31 hours.
Supporters Say 50 Percent Tariff on Canadian Hockey Sticks Has Retroactively Won the Nation Every Hockey Game Since 1930
The duty, imposed under a 96-year-old trade law that had never before been used, is being credited by an advocacy group with reversing 11,400 results, including several games the United States was not in.