https://thecontinentalreporter.com/sports/The Continental Reporter is a satirical news site. Deadpan reports, columns, and man-on-the-street panels about a nation that cannot agree on the thermostat. All names, quotes, institutions, and events are fictional.en-us© 2026 The Continental Reporter. The Continental Reporter is a work of satire. Names, quotes, institutions, and events are fictional.Thu, 08 Oct 2026 11:00:00 -0400https://thecontinentalreporter.com/sports/white-sox-fans-unsure-what-to-do-with-hands/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/sports/white-sox-fans-unsure-what-to-do-with-hands/Thu, 08 Oct 2026 11:00:00 -0400Tom BrezinskiSportsWith Chicago leading Cleveland 2-1 in the American League Division Series, fans who spent three years bracing for the worst say they have nowhere to put the brace.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/sports/president-wins-club-championship-hole-in-one-every-hole/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/sports/president-wins-club-championship-hole-in-one-every-hole/Thu, 08 Oct 2026 09:15:00 -0400Tom BrezinskiSportsThe victory, at the President’s own course, was confirmed by the course, which also confirmed that the President had been the only player not asked to stand in the parking lot.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/sports/coach-says-team-played-hard/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/sports/coach-says-team-played-hard/Sun, 04 Oct 2026 11:40:00 -0400Tom BrezinskiSportsA review of game film found the Ellery State Herons played several things hard in a 38-6 loss to Kessler Tech. Football did not appear to be among them.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/sports/athlete-thanks-god-coach-agent-sandwich/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/sports/athlete-thanks-god-coach-agent-sandwich/Mon, 28 Sep 2026 13:20:00 -0400Tom BrezinskiSportsEllery State running back Kyle Ostrander’s 41-second postgame acknowledgment named four parties, the last of which was a 9-inch toasted Italian sub with provolone, available at 14 locations.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/sports/fans-in-honey-deuce-line-reach-front-after-final/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/sports/fans-in-honey-deuce-line-reach-front-after-final/Mon, 14 Sep 2026 10:45:00 -0400Tom BrezinskiSportsThe line, which formed at 11:02 a.m. Aug. 30, advanced 14 days and roughly 300 yards before its first members received the $23 cocktail at 7:48 p.m. Sunday.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/sports/hall-of-fame-game-points-collected-in-bag/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/sports/hall-of-fame-game-points-collected-in-bag/Fri, 07 Aug 2026 08:30:00 -0400Tom BrezinskiSportsEveryone in the stadium agreed the preseason opener did not count, which the Reporter learned Thursday night means 63 points were scored and then collected in a canvas bag.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/sports/parent-requests-replay-for-participation-trophy/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/sports/parent-requests-replay-for-participation-trophy/Sat, 25 Jul 2026 12:30:00 -0400Tom BrezinskiSportsA 3-hour, 12-minute review of the under-8 season confirmed that 7-year-old Mason Albrecht participated, but credited the trophy itself with an assist.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/sports/fifa-2030-final-played-at-halftime-of-halftime-show/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/sports/fifa-2030-final-played-at-halftime-of-halftime-show/Tue, 21 Jul 2026 08:50:00 -0400Glenn WhitacreSportsOfficials called Sunday’s show at MetLife Stadium a success and said the 120 minutes of soccer surrounding it had been ‘a lot to ask of an audience that came for the show.’https://thecontinentalreporter.com/sports/national-league-still-trying-to-reach-second-base/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/sports/national-league-still-trying-to-reach-second-base/Thu, 16 Jul 2026 13:20:00 -0400Tom BrezinskiSportsHeld to three singles in a 4-0 loss in Philadelphia, the league has sent a survey party from first base toward second, which it says is roughly 90 feet away and ‘believed to be there.’https://thecontinentalreporter.com/sports/man-who-yells-at-referee-through-television-credited-with-loss/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/sports/man-who-yells-at-referee-through-television-credited-with-loss/Fri, 26 Jun 2026 12:05:00 -0400Tom BrezinskiSportsA review of Thursday’s 3-2 U.S. loss to Türkiye found that 41 of the 58 instructions shouted at a 65-inch television in Parma, Ohio, were carried out on the field within four seconds.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/sports/knicks-title-leaves-53-years-of-fan-promises-due/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/sports/knicks-title-leaves-53-years-of-fan-promises-due/Mon, 15 Jun 2026 11:20:00 -0400Tom BrezinskiSportsAn estimated 2.4 million vows beginning with ‘If the Knicks ever win’ matured late Saturday night, including 61,000 hats now owed to be eaten and a promise that pigs would fly, which three pigs honored Sunday over the Grand Central Parkway.