ELLERY, Neb. — Ellery State football coach Mitch Dornan said Saturday that his team “played hard” in a 38-6 loss to Kessler Tech, but declined to specify what the team played hard at, telling reporters only that it was “a lot of things” and that “you could see it out there.”
Dornan’s remarks, delivered during a six-minute postgame news conference, are reproduced here in full: “I thought our guys played hard. We played hard for four quarters. Nobody can say we didn’t play hard. We’ll look at the film.” Asked to elaborate on what the Herons had played hard, Dornan said, “Hard. They played it hard. You could see it out there.”
A frame-by-frame review of the game film by the Reporter found that the Herons did play several things hard during the game. A defensive lineman struck the sideline water cooler repeatedly in the second quarter. Two offensive linemen played a single game of rock-paper-scissors that lasted the entire third quarter and was, by every available measure, played hard.
The review also found that the Herons’ starting backup quarterback played a complete game of chess against the back judge, 41 moves, on a magnetic board he had brought from home. At halftime, the entire defensive secondary joined the Ellery State marching band on the field and did not return to the game, and Kessler Tech’s three second-half touchdowns were scored against a defense that, according to the film, was performing the Ellery State fight song in B-flat. Hard.
“We left it all on the field,” said senior linebacker Trey Abernathy. Asked what the team had left, Abernathy said, “Everything.” A subsequent search of the field by the Reporter turned up two helmets, a mouthguard, a clarinet, and what appeared to be the team’s game plan, which had not been opened.
Dr. Marjorie Teller, director of the Center for Measured Outcomes, said the Center has tracked postgame uses of “played hard” since 2004 and found that the phrase correlates with losses at 0.87 and with wins at 0.09.
“Coaches say ‘played hard’ an average of 4.6 times per news conference after a loss and 0.3 times after a win, when they tend to say ’executed,’” Teller said. “We have not yet been able to determine what the teams are playing hard at. Further study is needed.” The Center has requested access to the Herons’ locker room for that purpose, and has been told that it is being played hard.
Kessler Tech coach Bob Varga said his team had also played hard, but “at football, mostly.”
Dornan said the Herons would spend the coming week focusing on playing hard at football specifically, “or at least nearby.” The team’s next game is Saturday at home, where the marching band is favored by three.