https://thecontinentalreporter.com/opinion/The Continental Reporter is a satirical news site. Deadpan reports, columns, and man-on-the-street panels about a nation that cannot agree on the thermostat. All names, quotes, institutions, and events are fictional.en-us© 2026 The Continental Reporter. The Continental Reporter is a work of satire. Names, quotes, institutions, and events are fictional.Thu, 08 Oct 2026 11:30:00 -0400https://thecontinentalreporter.com/opinion/i-reached-dr-brickhouse-by-phone/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/opinion/i-reached-dr-brickhouse-by-phone/Thu, 08 Oct 2026 11:30:00 -0400Glenn WhitacreOpinionIn 19 years of calling the nation’s most-quoted expert, I have never once found him anywhere else. Last week, I found out why.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/opinion/letters-to-the-editor/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/opinion/letters-to-the-editor/Thu, 08 Oct 2026 10:00:00 -0400Evelyn StrandOpinionReaders respond to this week’s coverage of flag shirts, a word, a grocery store, a thermostat, and, in one case, a bench.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/opinion/what-the-founders-would-have-said-about-tariffs-on-tea/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/opinion/what-the-founders-would-have-said-about-tariffs-on-tea/Thu, 08 Oct 2026 07:00:00 -0400Constance Merriweather-DunnOpinionOur heritage is unambiguous on the question of taxing imported tea. I have followed it to the water’s edge, and then somewhat past it.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/opinion/i-am-perfectly-calm-about-the-new-grocery-store-layout/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/opinion/i-am-perfectly-calm-about-the-new-grocery-store-layout/Tue, 06 Oct 2026 06:00:00 -0400Rick HalvorsenOpinionThe cereal is next to the motor oil. The bread is where the cereal was. That is fine. Everything is fine.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/opinion/what-the-founders-would-have-said-about-ranch-dressing/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/opinion/what-the-founders-would-have-said-about-ranch-dressing/Sat, 03 Oct 2026 07:00:00 -0400Constance Merriweather-DunnOpinionOur heritage is clear on the matter of condiments, provided one follows it all the way to the end, which I have.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/opinion/letters-to-the-editor-september/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/opinion/letters-to-the-editor-september/Tue, 29 Sep 2026 10:00:00 -0400Evelyn StrandOpinionReaders respond to recent coverage of a dishwasher, a pony, a thermostat, offside, a man who may be named Gary, and the hot dog, again.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/opinion/founders-on-the-group-chat-i-reply-by-pony/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/opinion/founders-on-the-group-chat-i-reply-by-pony/Sat, 26 Sep 2026 07:00:00 -0400Constance Merriweather-DunnOpinionThe Committees of Correspondence were the nation’s first group chat. I have restored their customs in full, and my family has removed me from ours three times.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/opinion/my-call-is-important-to-them/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/opinion/my-call-is-important-to-them/Tue, 15 Sep 2026 06:00:00 -0400Rick HalvorsenOpinionI spent three hours and 12 minutes on hold about a dishwasher, listening to a 14-second flute and a woman who insists she values me. I kept count, calmly.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/opinion/founders-on-the-presidents-face-on-a-coin/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/opinion/founders-on-the-presidents-face-on-a-coin/Tue, 08 Sep 2026 07:00:00 -0400Constance Merriweather-DunnOpinionOur heritage settled the question of presidential portraits on money in 1792. I have followed the settlement to its conclusion, which is in my coin jar, and also in my mirror.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/opinion/asked-to-attend-a-meeting-in-person/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/opinion/asked-to-attend-a-meeting-in-person/Thu, 20 Aug 2026 11:30:00 -0400Glenn WhitacreOpinionFor the first time since a date that keeps moving further back, the Reporter asked me to come into the newsroom. I made it to within 40 feet of the conference room.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/opinion/restaurant-asked-me-to-scan-the-menu/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/opinion/restaurant-asked-me-to-scan-the-menu/Tue, 11 Aug 2026 06:00:00 -0400Rick HalvorsenOpinionWhere the menu used to be, there was a small black-and-white square. I am told the square is the menu. I ordered the third thing, and I am handling this well.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/opinion/letters-to-the-editor-july/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/opinion/letters-to-the-editor-july/Thu, 30 Jul 2026 10:00:00 -0400Evelyn StrandOpinionReaders respond to recent coverage of a self-checkout, a truck that does not move, a parking lot, the moon, a missing Tuesday, and the hot dog.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/opinion/founders-on-pickleball-i-play-in-my-kitchen/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/opinion/founders-on-pickleball-i-play-in-my-kitchen/Sat, 25 Jul 2026 07:00:00 -0400Constance Merriweather-DunnOpinionOur heritage has a great deal to teach us about a paddle sport invented in 1965. I have learned all of it, and the park district has asked me to leave.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/opinion/parking-lot-arrows-are-not-suggestions/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/opinion/parking-lot-arrows-are-not-suggestions/Tue, 07 Jul 2026 06:00:00 -0400Rick HalvorsenOpinionFor 11 years I have driven the shopping center lot in the direction the pavement asks. Last Saturday a man in a sedan came the other way and waved. I am calm.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/opinion/real-americans-drive-trucks-i-do-not-drive/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/opinion/real-americans-drive-trucks-i-do-not-drive/Sat, 13 Jun 2026 07:00:00 -0400Constance Merriweather-DunnOpinionThe Founders were clear about the pickup truck, as they were about most things they never saw. I have followed them into my driveway, and I intend to remain there.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/opinion/self-checkout-said-unexpected-item/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/opinion/self-checkout-said-unexpected-item/Tue, 09 Jun 2026 06:00:00 -0400Rick HalvorsenOpinionA machine at the hardware store accused me of putting something in the bagging area that it had not anticipated. It was a hinge. It had just watched me scan the hinge.