Civil Discourse is a weekly feature in which two readers who disagree about everything agree to disagree about one thing, politely, with a moderator present. This week’s participants are Roy Gundersen, 66, a retired grain elevator manager and Margot Fenwick, 37, a policy associate at a think tank that studies other think tanks. The moderator is Barbara Pfeiffer, a retired school cafeteria manager. A transcript follows.
BARBARA: Welcome. Tonight we are in the Garnet Ridge Methodist fellowship hall, and the question is whether the church potluck should impose a tariff on casseroles from other churches. Ground rules. Nobody says “they” without naming who. Nobody says “studies show” without naming the study. Roy, you’re first.
ROY: Thank you, Barbara. I want to say, for 30 years, other churches have been taking advantage of our potluck. They come in here with their dishes, they take our parking, and they leave. We have a deficit of deviled eggs you would not believe.
MARGOT: I want to name that the deviled egg deficit is a construct.
ROY: It’s a plate, Margot. It’s empty. I’m looking at it.
MARGOT: I’d like to cite a study.
BARBARA: Which study?
MARGOT: It’s a study. I read a summary of it. The summary was very confident.
ROY: I did my own research. I counted. Last June the Lutherans brought 11 dishes and we brought six. That’s a casserole imbalance, and nobody in Washington is talking about it.
BARBARA: We’re at Methodist.
ROY: I meant the Washington Street office. Of the church.
MARGOT: I want to be clear that a tariff is just a tax on the people who eat the casserole. Every economist agrees.
ROY: Name one.
MARGOT: Dr. Pell.
ROY: Who’s Dr. Pell?
MARGOT: He’s on a podcast. He has a very calm voice.
ROY: I’ve seen what happens, Barbara. First it’s a casserole tariff. Then you’ve got to buy American hot dish, which is great, I love it. But then Gladys is paying 25 percent on a green bean thing she’s been making since the Carter administration.
MARGOT: I’d like to hold space for Gladys.
ROY: Gladys is fine. Gladys is fine. Don’t hold Gladys.
BARBARA: Dolores, you’ve run this potluck since 1998. Would you weigh in?
DOLORES: (from the serving table) Nobody has ever brought a casserole. It’s all from Dave’s.
ROY: What?
DOLORES: Dave’s. The grocery. The tubs. They’ve been from Dave’s the whole time.
MARGOT: I’m sorry, which tubs?
DOLORES: The ones in the cooler by the rotisserie chickens. The lasagna. The hummus. The deviled eggs. All Dave’s. The Lutherans get theirs there, too.
ROY: That’s what they want you to think.
BARBARA: Who?
ROY: …Dave.
MARGOT: I want to name that I’m furious at Dave.
ROY: Finally, something we agree on.
MARGOT: I think we have found common ground.
ROY: Dave is a monopoly.
MARGOT: Dave is a supply chain.
ROY: It’s the same thing, Margot.
MARGOT: It is the opposite of the same thing, Roy.
BARBARA: You were so close.
ROY: I want it noted we were close.
MARGOT: I’d like that noted, and I’d like to name that I’m devastated.
BARBARA: Let’s try a compromise. A one-bite tariff. Each dish must pay one bite to the table before it can be served.
ROY: That’s a tariff.
MARGOT: That’s a free market with a fee.
ROY: I’ll take it.
MARGOT: I’ll take it.
ROY: I didn’t say it was good.
MARGOT: Neither did I.
BARBARA: Closing statements.
ROY: I respect Margot. I respect Gladys. I respect a hot dish that knows where it came from. We are going to fix the deviled egg deficit. God bless America and God bless the Methodists.
MARGOT: I want to thank Roy for his courage. I did not come to win. I came to cite. I have cited. I am at peace, and I would like to know who Dave is.
At 8:46 p.m., the Reporter observed Gundersen and Fenwick each in line at the Dave’s Market deli counter, 11 feet apart, each holding an empty tub. Each looked at the other’s tub. Neither spoke.
“It’s for the Lutherans,” said Gundersen.
“It’s for a different Lutherans,” said Fenwick.
The man behind the counter, who identified himself as Dave, said both orders were 25 percent off, and that he had “never once been asked where it’s from.”
Final result: Minds changed, Gundersen, 0. Minds changed, Fenwick, 0. Tubs purchased, 2. Dave, 1. Both sides declared a victory.