In 19 years of calling the nation’s most-quoted expert, I have never once found him anywhere else. Last week, I found out why.
By Glenn Whitacre
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I have reached Dr. Chad Brickhouse by phone 1,312 times over 19 years. I know the number because he keeps a log, and he reads it to me at the start of each call, which adds about four minutes.
In all that time, I have never reached him anywhere but by phone, and he has never been anywhere but somewhere loud. I have …
The Committees of Correspondence were the nation’s first group chat. I have restored their customs in full, and my family has removed me from ours three times.
I spent three hours and 12 minutes on hold about a dishwasher, listening to a 14-second flute and a woman who insists she values me. I kept count, calmly.
Our heritage settled the question of presidential portraits on money in 1792. I have followed the settlement to its conclusion, which is in my coin jar, and also in my mirror.
For the first time since a date that keeps moving further back, the Reporter asked me to come into the newsroom. I made it to within 40 feet of the conference room.
Where the menu used to be, there was a small black-and-white square. I am told the square is the menu. I ordered the third thing, and I am handling this well.
Our heritage has a great deal to teach us about a paddle sport invented in 1965. I have learned all of it, and the park district has asked me to leave.
For 11 years I have driven the shopping center lot in the direction the pavement asks. Last Saturday a man in a sedan came the other way and waved. I am calm.
The Founders were clear about the pickup truck, as they were about most things they never saw. I have followed them into my driveway, and I intend to remain there.
A machine at the hardware store accused me of putting something in the bagging area that it had not anticipated. It was a hinge. It had just watched me scan the hinge.