News | The Continental Reporterhttps://thecontinentalreporter.com/news/The Continental Reporter is a satirical news site. Deadpan reports, columns, and man-on-the-street panels about a nation that cannot agree on the thermostat. All names, quotes, institutions, and events are fictional.en-us© 2026 The Continental Reporter. The Continental Reporter is a work of satire. Names, quotes, institutions, and events are fictional.Thu, 08 Oct 2026 14:50:00 -0400Man Who Says Foreign Countries Pay the Tariffs Leaves 18 Percent Tip on the Tariffshttps://thecontinentalreporter.com/news/man-who-says-china-pays-tariffs-tips-on-them/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/news/man-who-says-china-pays-tariffs-tips-on-them/Thu, 08 Oct 2026 14:50:00 -0400Continental Press ServiceNewsDwight Ankeny, 62, says the extra $1,140 he paid for a riding mower was ‘China’s money,’ and that he added a gratuity because ’they’ve been very good about it.’Supporters Hail Widest Trade Deficit Since Tariffs Began, Say Nation Is Now Winning So Hard It Has Begun Importing Its Own Exportshttps://thecontinentalreporter.com/news/trade-deficit-importing-own-exports/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/news/trade-deficit-importing-own-exports/Thu, 08 Oct 2026 10:45:00 -0400Martin PughNewsThe $105.6 billion August gap, the widest since before the tariffs took effect, is being described by grateful economists as ‘a deficit of losing.’AI Industry Confirms It Has Used Up the Sun, the Moon, and Argon; Next Model to Be Named After Gravelhttps://thecontinentalreporter.com/news/ai-industry-runs-out-of-names/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/news/ai-industry-runs-out-of-names/Wed, 07 Oct 2026 15:40:00 -0400Martin PughNewsWith Sol, Luna, Astra, and Argon now taken, the Continental Nomenclature Office estimates the industry has 11.4 months of usable nouns remaining.Study: 9 in 10 Americans Cannot Define Word They Are Angry Abouthttps://thecontinentalreporter.com/news/nine-in-ten-cannot-define-word-they-are-angry-about/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/news/nine-in-ten-cannot-define-word-they-are-angry-about/Wed, 07 Oct 2026 10:20:00 -0400Martin PughNewsAnger about the word rose 41.2 percent since spring, researchers found, while understanding of it held steady at roughly none.Man Who Says He Never Watches the News Cites Eleven Hours of Ithttps://thecontinentalreporter.com/news/man-who-never-watches-the-news-cites-eleven-hours-of-it/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/news/man-who-never-watches-the-news-cites-eleven-hours-of-it/Mon, 05 Oct 2026 14:15:00 -0400Continental Press ServiceNewsDale Pruett, 58, said he gets his information from real people, then summarized a weekend panel, two evening segments, and a call-in program he identified by the host’s first name.Fall Arrives on Schedule, Finds Pumpkin Spice Has Been Sitting in Its Chair Since Augusthttps://thecontinentalreporter.com/news/fall-arrives-finds-pumpkin-spice-in-its-seat/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/news/fall-arrives-finds-pumpkin-spice-in-its-seat/Wed, 23 Sep 2026 08:00:00 -0400Continental Press ServiceNewsThe season, which began at 8:06 p.m. Eastern time Tuesday, arrived 28 days after the Pumpkin Spice Latte and has asked to speak with whoever is in charge of the calendar.Poll: 71 Percent of Voters Want Change, 70 Percent Want It to Be the Samehttps://thecontinentalreporter.com/news/poll-71-percent-want-change-70-percent-same/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/news/poll-71-percent-want-change-70-percent-same/Thu, 17 Sep 2026 10:15:00 -0400Martin PughNewsThe survey of 2,406 adults found that 141.0 percent of the public holds a firm view on change, a total the pollster described as ‘within the margin of error, broadly.’NASA Telescope Launches Eight Months Early, Catches Universe Before It Was Readyhttps://thecontinentalreporter.com/news/nasa-telescope-launches-early-universe-not-ready/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/news/nasa-telescope-launches-early-universe-not-ready/Mon, 31 Aug 2026 09:45:00 -0400Continental Press ServiceNewsThe Roman Space Telescope can see roughly 100 times as much sky at once as Hubble’s infrared camera, and about 1 billion galaxies have asked for a few more minutes.Nvidia Reports $96.2 Billion Quarter; Analysts Ask Number to Hold Still So They Can Finish Reading Ithttps://thecontinentalreporter.com/news/nvidia-quarter-number-will-not-hold-still/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/news/nvidia-quarter-number-will-not-hold-still/Thu, 27 Aug 2026 07:40:00 -0400Martin PughNewsThe figure rose 106 percent from a year earlier and, by the Reporter’s measurement, another 0.41 percent during the time it took to read it aloud.Department of War Relieves 3,100 Office Chairs of Command After Anti-Woke Review Finds Them ‘Too Supportive’https://thecontinentalreporter.com/news/department-of-war-relieves-office-chairs-of-command/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/news/department-of-war-relieves-office-chairs-of-command/Tue, 28 Jul 2026 15:10:00 -0400Glenn WhitacreNewsThe chairs, cited for reclining, lumbar support, and swiveling toward more than one point of view, are the first furniture removed under a review that has since expanded to the color beige and the word ‘please.’Supporters Say 50 Percent Tariff on Canadian Hockey Sticks Has Retroactively Won the Nation Every Hockey Game Since 1930https://thecontinentalreporter.com/news/hockey-stick-tariff-retroactively-wins-every-game/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/news/hockey-stick-tariff-retroactively-wins-every-game/Wed, 22 Jul 2026 12:20:00 -0400Continental Press ServiceNewsThe duty, imposed under a 96-year-old trade law that had never before been used, is being credited by an advocacy group with reversing 11,400 results, including several games the United States was not in.Uber’s $14.8 Billion Offer for Delivery Hero Comes to $21.4 Billion After Service Fee, Small-Company Surcharge, and Tiphttps://thecontinentalreporter.com/news/uber-delivery-hero-deal-after-fees-and-tip/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/news/uber-delivery-hero-deal-after-fees-and-tip/Fri, 17 Jul 2026 10:05:00 -0400Martin PughNewsThe German company’s boards backed the offer, rated the experience four stars, and were told the deal would arrive sometime in the second half of 2027.Nation Turns 250 Before Finishing Saying ‘Semiquincentennial’https://thecontinentalreporter.com/news/nation-turns-250-before-finishing-semiquincentennial/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/news/nation-turns-250-before-finishing-semiquincentennial/Tue, 07 Jul 2026 07:15:00 -0400Glenn WhitacreNewsAn estimated 61.3 percent of attempts to pronounce the seven-syllable word, many begun on Jan. 1, were still in progress when the anniversary passed, most of them stalled on the ‘quin.’Great American State Fair Attendance Revised Upward to 912 Million, Exceeding the Nation’s Population by Enough to Form a Second Nationhttps://thecontinentalreporter.com/news/state-fair-attendance-revised-to-912-million/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/news/state-fair-attendance-revised-to-912-million/Tue, 30 Jun 2026 13:15:00 -0400Martin PughNewsA supporters’ group’s count, which includes Ferris wheel riders once per rotation and attendees who have not yet been born, carries a margin of error of plus or minus the Western Hemisphere.Man Who Bought 1 Share of SpaceX Now Owns 0.0000000076 Percent of Mars, Has Begun Landscapinghttps://thecontinentalreporter.com/news/man-who-bought-one-share-of-spacex-landscaping-mars/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/news/man-who-bought-one-share-of-spacex-landscaping-mars/Fri, 12 Jun 2026 17:35:00 -0400Martin PughNewsKevin Strebe, 46, has fenced off a plot in his backyard measuring 0.4 square inches, which he said represents his portion of the planet, adjusted for scale.New Siri, Rebuilt on Google’s Gemini, Subcontracts Every Request and Invoices Users for Timershttps://thecontinentalreporter.com/news/new-siri-subcontracts-every-request/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/news/new-siri-subcontracts-every-request/Tue, 09 Jun 2026 07:10:00 -0400Continental Press ServiceNewsIn developer testing since Monday’s keynote, a single 10-minute pasta timer passed through four vendors and arrived with an itemized invoice for $0.00, payable within 30 days.