https://thecontinentalreporter.com/nation/The Continental Reporter is a satirical news site. Deadpan reports, columns, and man-on-the-street panels about a nation that cannot agree on the thermostat. All names, quotes, institutions, and events are fictional.en-us© 2026 The Continental Reporter. The Continental Reporter is a work of satire. Names, quotes, institutions, and events are fictional.Thu, 08 Oct 2026 15:05:00 -0400https://thecontinentalreporter.com/nation/taxpayers-league-bake-sale-for-deficit/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/nation/taxpayers-league-bake-sale-for-deficit/Thu, 08 Oct 2026 15:05:00 -0400Martin PughNationMembers said the shortfall reported Thursday is ‘a completely different kind of $2 trillion,’ because this time it is being spent by people who understand money.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/nation/white-house-ballroom-now-contains-white-house/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/nation/white-house-ballroom-now-contains-white-house/Thu, 08 Oct 2026 14:20:00 -0400Glenn WhitacreNationOfficials say the structure will be substantially finished by November, at which point the executive mansion will be relocated to a small table near the dance floor.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/nation/supporters-confident-nobel-committee-will-recognize-74-wars/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/nation/supporters-confident-nobel-committee-will-recognize-74-wars/Thu, 08 Oct 2026 13:50:00 -0400Continental Press ServiceNationAhead of Friday’s Peace Prize announcement, an advocacy group released an updated count of conflicts resolved, several of which ended before the President was born and one of which had not yet started.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/nation/merged-studio-merges-every-movie-into-one-movie/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/nation/merged-studio-merges-every-movie-into-one-movie/Thu, 08 Oct 2026 13:15:00 -0400Glenn WhitacreNationThe single film, which now contains both studios’ entire libraries playing at once, runs 11,400 hours and will satisfy a court-approved requirement of 30 theatrical releases a year by starting at 30 different points.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/nation/man-waits-by-phone-for-nobel-call/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/nation/man-waits-by-phone-for-nobel-call/Thu, 08 Oct 2026 12:10:00 -0400Continental Press ServiceNationWith four prizes announced and two remaining, Gary Tunstall, 61, said he is now focusing his hopes on economics, citing ’extremely strong views on the price of a sandwich.'https://thecontinentalreporter.com/nation/flag-shirts-outnumber-flags/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/nation/flag-shirts-outnumber-flags/Thu, 08 Oct 2026 06:45:00 -0400Glenn WhitacreNationThe bureau’s first full count of patriotic apparel found 3.4 shirts for every flag, a ratio officials described as still climbing.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/nation/department-of-war-abolishes-hours-after-5-am/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/nation/department-of-war-abolishes-hours-after-5-am/Tue, 06 Oct 2026 08:05:00 -0400Continental Press ServiceNationFollowing last week’s early-morning workout with 600 troops, the department says it has eliminated noon, the afternoon, and ‘whatever 3 p.m. thinks it is,’ and that the sun has been notified.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/nation/pentagon-fails-waist-to-height-standard/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/nation/pentagon-fails-waist-to-height-standard/Thu, 17 Sep 2026 11:25:00 -0400Martin PughNationWith 4,605 feet of waist and 77 feet of height, the building would need to grow about 1.6 miles taller, or lose 4,562.65 feet around the middle, to meet the 0.55 limit.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/nation/supporters-say-triumphal-arch-will-make-visitors-winners/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/nation/supporters-say-triumphal-arch-will-make-visitors-winners/Wed, 09 Sep 2026 14:45:00 -0400Continental Press ServiceNationWith excavation announced to begin within two weeks, a supporters’ group has published a list of 1,400 victories visitors may receive, including ’the argument from Thanksgiving’ and a 1994 high school track meet.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/nation/institute-report-concludes-things-fine-mostly/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/nation/institute-report-concludes-things-fine-mostly/Tue, 08 Sep 2026 11:05:00 -0400Glenn WhitacreNationThe report, 39 months in preparation, consists of a two-page executive summary, 397 pages of appendices, and one page of findings that reads, in full, ‘Fine, mostly.’https://thecontinentalreporter.com/nation/congress-funds-government-early-plans-reenactment/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/nation/congress-funds-government-early-plans-reenactment/Thu, 03 Sep 2026 07:40:00 -0400Glenn WhitacreNationWith the stopgap signed into law Sept. 2, lawmakers have 28 days with nothing to be up against and have begun rehearsing, in period dress, the all-night session they no longer need.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/nation/washington-monument-finishes-fourth-grand-prix/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/nation/washington-monument-finishes-fourth-grand-prix/Tue, 25 Aug 2026 07:50:00 -0400Glenn WhitacreNationThe 555-foot obelisk, which had not left its spot since 1884, completed all 147 laps of the street circuit established by executive order, stopping once to pit at the Ellipse.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/nation/flights-landing-at-djt-out-of-respect/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/nation/flights-landing-at-djt-out-of-respect/Thu, 20 Aug 2026 16:30:00 -0400Glenn WhitacreNationSince Tuesday’s switch from PBI, supporters have counted 1,140 diverted flights, including one that was already parked at a gate in Ohio.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/nation/man-who-skipped-every-meeting-demands-input/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/nation/man-who-skipped-every-meeting-demands-input/Thu, 20 Aug 2026 10:15:00 -0400Glenn WhitacreNationKeith Larrabee declined all 37 invitations to a 14-month coffee machine selection process, then sent a reply-all to 212 colleagues asking why no one had asked him.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/nation/back-to-school-supply-lists-shopping-alone/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/nation/back-to-school-supply-lists-shopping-alone/Thu, 13 Aug 2026 11:00:00 -0400Martin PughNationTotal spending rose 9.9 percent while the average family’s spending rose 0.7 percent, leaving about $3.6 billion that no parent is able to account for.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/nation/spider-man-opening-weekend-revised-into-monday/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/nation/spider-man-opening-weekend-revised-into-monday/Tue, 04 Aug 2026 09:05:00 -0400Continental Press ServiceNationMonday’s actual figures pushed the film past the all-time opening record by $2.9 million and, according to box office trackers, pushed the weekend past Sunday by about 31 hours.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/nation/grill-owners-record-confidence-zero-steaks/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/nation/grill-owners-record-confidence-zero-steaks/Fri, 03 Jul 2026 10:15:00 -0400Martin PughNationA holiday survey of 6,114 households found 97.4 percent of grill owners rate their steak as ’excellent,’ against a measured correctness rate of 0.0 percent, plus or minus 0.4 steaks.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/nation/nations-dads-joint-statement-about-to-fix-that/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/nation/nations-dads-joint-statement-about-to-fix-that/Sun, 21 Jun 2026 07:30:00 -0400Continental Press ServiceNationThe Father’s Day statement, signed by 61.2 million fathers, addresses 1.4 billion household repairs, the oldest of which has been about to be fixed since 1974.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/nation/white-house-fight-night-14-winners-seven-fights/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/nation/white-house-fight-night-14-winners-seven-fights/Tue, 16 Jun 2026 09:35:00 -0400Continental Press ServiceNationEvery bout at Sunday’s event ended in a finish, and every fighter in every bout has now been credited with it, a result supporters attributed to the venue.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/nation/department-of-war-renames-fences-offences/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/nation/department-of-war-renames-fences-offences/Mon, 08 Jun 2026 10:40:00 -0400Continental Press ServiceNationAfter a House committee voted 29-27 to make the name official, the department said its next phase would cover defensive linemen, defense attorneys, and an estimated 41 million backyard fences.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/nation/federal-panel-votes-to-rename-tuesday/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/nation/federal-panel-votes-to-rename-tuesday/Tue, 02 Jun 2026 16:40:00 -0400Glenn WhitacreNationThe Calendar Heritage Review Panel spent 11 hours on the matter before discovering that the meeting was itself being held on a Tuesday.