https://thecontinentalreporter.com/local/The Continental Reporter is a satirical news site. Deadpan reports, columns, and man-on-the-street panels about a nation that cannot agree on the thermostat. All names, quotes, institutions, and events are fictional.en-us© 2026 The Continental Reporter. The Continental Reporter is a work of satire. Names, quotes, institutions, and events are fictional.Thu, 08 Oct 2026 15:15:00 -0400https://thecontinentalreporter.com/local/waste-watchdog-cut-library-newspaper-golf-is-different/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/local/waste-watchdog-cut-library-newspaper-golf-is-different/Thu, 08 Oct 2026 15:15:00 -0400Lena OkaforLocalEd Pasko has attended 211 consecutive village budget hearings to oppose ’every wasted dollar,’ and said the estimated $3.4 million cost of a single presidential weekend in Florida ‘pays for itself in morale.’https://thecontinentalreporter.com/local/council-debates-whether-bench-is-a-chair/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/local/council-debates-whether-bench-is-a-chair/Wed, 07 Oct 2026 07:30:00 -0400Lena OkaforLocalEast Varnum Borough Council voted 4-3 to table the question until it can determine whether the council itself is seated on chairs.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/local/area-dad-declares-thermostat-not-a-democracy/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/local/area-dad-declares-thermostat-not-a-democracy/Tue, 06 Oct 2026 08:05:00 -0400Lena OkaforLocalWhat began as a 19-minute household vote ended at 2:09 a.m. with a new constitution, a six-hour filibuster, and the master bedroom seeking independence.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/local/man-who-does-his-own-research-completes-research/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/local/man-who-does-his-own-research-completes-research/Mon, 05 Oct 2026 07:50:00 -0400Continental Press ServiceLocalAfter 14 months, 212 forum posts, and a 600-page binder, Randall Kemper concluded that County Road J was resurfaced by the county.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/local/pell-junction-council-claims-foldable-iphone/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/local/pell-junction-council-claims-foldable-iphone/Thu, 10 Sep 2026 09:10:00 -0400Lena OkaforLocalGene Halloway, 63, has folded 11 iPhones in half since 2014, the council found, all of them years before Apple unveiled its own foldable on Wednesday and all of them still, he says, working.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/local/neighborhood-watch-spots-itself/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/local/neighborhood-watch-spots-itself/Fri, 04 Sep 2026 16:15:00 -0400Continental Press ServiceLocalThe Prairie Lane Neighborhood Watch has logged 61 reports since July of people moving slowly through the neighborhood after dark with flashlights, all 61 of which were the Prairie Lane Neighborhood Watch.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/local/fair-disqualifies-butter-sculpture-of-butter-sculpture/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/local/fair-disqualifies-butter-sculpture-of-butter-sculpture/Sat, 22 Aug 2026 11:20:00 -0400Continental Press ServiceLocalThe Sauer County Fair Board voted 5-2 to bar the entry, which now sits in a 38-degree cooler alongside six smaller sculptures, each depicting the one before it.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/local/roundabout-too-european-replaced-with-four-way-argument/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/local/roundabout-too-european-replaced-with-four-way-argument/Tue, 18 Aug 2026 18:10:00 -0400Lena OkaforLocalThe Hollis Bend Village Board voted 4-1 to remove the traffic circle at County Road J and Main Street and adopt Ordinance 26-114, under which right-of-way is awarded to whichever driver makes the most persuasive case.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/local/hoa-bans-weather-it-did-not-approve/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/local/hoa-bans-weather-it-did-not-approve/Thu, 09 Jul 2026 07:30:00 -0400Lena OkaforLocalResolution 2026-14 requires all clouds, breezes, and sunsets over the Prairie Vista Estates subdivision to be submitted to the Architectural Review Committee 30 days in advance, in an approved color.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/local/man-wins-argument-at-cookout-loses-cookout/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/local/man-wins-argument-at-cookout-loses-cookout/Mon, 06 Jul 2026 09:40:00 -0400Continental Press ServiceLocalWalt Brosky correctly established at 3:14 p.m. that most delegates signed the Declaration on Aug. 2, and by 3:40 p.m. the cookout, the grill, and 19 guests had relocated without him.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/local/lake-ternby-council-adopts-world-cup-rules/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/local/lake-ternby-council-adopts-world-cup-rules/Wed, 17 Jun 2026 08:30:00 -0400Lena OkaforLocalUnder Resolution 26-41, Lake Ternby’s council will meet in two 45-minute halves through July 19, with video review in the coat closet and a $48,000 culvert contract decided on penalty kicks, after which the culvert was named player of the match.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/local/business-owner-not-a-brand-has-brand-guidelines/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/local/business-owner-not-a-brand-has-brand-guidelines/Fri, 05 Jun 2026 08:15:00 -0400Lena OkaforLocalA sign variance hearing in East Varnum ran 3 hours and 12 minutes after the owner of a hardware store submitted a 64-page manual governing the correct use of himself.