https://thecontinentalreporter.com/The Continental Reporter is a satirical news site. Deadpan reports, columns, and man-on-the-street panels about a nation that cannot agree on the thermostat. All names, quotes, institutions, and events are fictional.en-us© 2026 The Continental Reporter. The Continental Reporter is a work of satire. Names, quotes, institutions, and events are fictional.Thu, 08 Oct 2026 15:15:00 -0400https://thecontinentalreporter.com/local/waste-watchdog-cut-library-newspaper-golf-is-different/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/local/waste-watchdog-cut-library-newspaper-golf-is-different/Thu, 08 Oct 2026 15:15:00 -0400Lena OkaforLocalEd Pasko has attended 211 consecutive village budget hearings to oppose ’every wasted dollar,’ and said the estimated $3.4 million cost of a single presidential weekend in Florida ‘pays for itself in morale.’https://thecontinentalreporter.com/nation/taxpayers-league-bake-sale-for-deficit/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/nation/taxpayers-league-bake-sale-for-deficit/Thu, 08 Oct 2026 15:05:00 -0400Martin PughNationMembers said the shortfall reported Thursday is ‘a completely different kind of $2 trillion,’ because this time it is being spent by people who understand money.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/news/man-who-says-china-pays-tariffs-tips-on-them/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/news/man-who-says-china-pays-tariffs-tips-on-them/Thu, 08 Oct 2026 14:50:00 -0400Continental Press ServiceNewsDwight Ankeny, 62, says the extra $1,140 he paid for a riding mower was ‘China’s money,’ and that he added a gratuity because ’they’ve been very good about it.’https://thecontinentalreporter.com/nation/white-house-ballroom-now-contains-white-house/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/nation/white-house-ballroom-now-contains-white-house/Thu, 08 Oct 2026 14:20:00 -0400Glenn WhitacreNationOfficials say the structure will be substantially finished by November, at which point the executive mansion will be relocated to a small table near the dance floor.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/voices/what-should-the-president-be-awarded-next/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/voices/what-should-the-president-be-awarded-next/Thu, 08 Oct 2026 14:00:00 -0400Continental Press ServiceVoicesWith the Nobel Peace Prize to be announced Friday, the Reporter asked residents which honor the President should receive next.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/nation/supporters-confident-nobel-committee-will-recognize-74-wars/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/nation/supporters-confident-nobel-committee-will-recognize-74-wars/Thu, 08 Oct 2026 13:50:00 -0400Continental Press ServiceNationAhead of Friday’s Peace Prize announcement, an advocacy group released an updated count of conflicts resolved, several of which ended before the President was born and one of which had not yet started.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/nation/merged-studio-merges-every-movie-into-one-movie/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/nation/merged-studio-merges-every-movie-into-one-movie/Thu, 08 Oct 2026 13:15:00 -0400Glenn WhitacreNationThe single film, which now contains both studios’ entire libraries playing at once, runs 11,400 hours and will satisfy a court-approved requirement of 30 theatrical releases a year by starting at 30 different points.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/voices/what-should-the-merged-movie-studio-make-first/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/voices/what-should-the-merged-movie-studio-make-first/Thu, 08 Oct 2026 12:30:00 -0400Continental Press ServiceVoicesAfter Paramount completed its $110 billion acquisition of Warner Bros. Discovery this week, the Reporter asked residents what the combined studio should make first.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/nation/man-waits-by-phone-for-nobel-call/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/nation/man-waits-by-phone-for-nobel-call/Thu, 08 Oct 2026 12:10:00 -0400Continental Press ServiceNationWith four prizes announced and two remaining, Gary Tunstall, 61, said he is now focusing his hopes on economics, citing ’extremely strong views on the price of a sandwich.'https://thecontinentalreporter.com/opinion/i-reached-dr-brickhouse-by-phone/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/opinion/i-reached-dr-brickhouse-by-phone/Thu, 08 Oct 2026 11:30:00 -0400Glenn WhitacreOpinionIn 19 years of calling the nation’s most-quoted expert, I have never once found him anywhere else. Last week, I found out why.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/sports/white-sox-fans-unsure-what-to-do-with-hands/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/sports/white-sox-fans-unsure-what-to-do-with-hands/Thu, 08 Oct 2026 11:00:00 -0400Tom BrezinskiSportsWith Chicago leading Cleveland 2-1 in the American League Division Series, fans who spent three years bracing for the worst say they have nowhere to put the brace.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/news/trade-deficit-importing-own-exports/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/news/trade-deficit-importing-own-exports/Thu, 08 Oct 2026 10:45:00 -0400Martin PughNewsThe $105.6 billion August gap, the widest since before the tariffs took effect, is being described by grateful economists as ‘a deficit of losing.’https://thecontinentalreporter.com/opinion/letters-to-the-editor/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/opinion/letters-to-the-editor/Thu, 08 Oct 2026 10:00:00 -0400Evelyn StrandOpinionReaders respond to this week’s coverage of flag shirts, a word, a grocery store, a thermostat, and, in one case, a bench.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/world/samsung-profit-too-large-to-store/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/world/samsung-profit-too-large-to-store/Thu, 08 Oct 2026 09:30:00 -0400Continental Press ServiceWorldThe record figure, driven by demand for AI memory chips, now occupies 11 data centers and must be backed up nightly to a second, slightly smaller profit.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/sports/president-wins-club-championship-hole-in-one-every-hole/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/sports/president-wins-club-championship-hole-in-one-every-hole/Thu, 08 Oct 2026 09:15:00 -0400Tom BrezinskiSportsThe victory, at the President’s own course, was confirmed by the course, which also confirmed that the President had been the only player not asked to stand in the parking lot.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/opinion/what-the-founders-would-have-said-about-tariffs-on-tea/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/opinion/what-the-founders-would-have-said-about-tariffs-on-tea/Thu, 08 Oct 2026 07:00:00 -0400Constance Merriweather-DunnOpinionOur heritage is unambiguous on the question of taxing imported tea. I have followed it to the water’s edge, and then somewhat past it.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/nation/flag-shirts-outnumber-flags/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/nation/flag-shirts-outnumber-flags/Thu, 08 Oct 2026 06:45:00 -0400Glenn WhitacreNationThe bureau’s first full count of patriotic apparel found 3.4 shirts for every flag, a ratio officials described as still climbing.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/news/ai-industry-runs-out-of-names/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/news/ai-industry-runs-out-of-names/Wed, 07 Oct 2026 15:40:00 -0400Martin PughNewsWith Sol, Luna, Astra, and Argon now taken, the Continental Nomenclature Office estimates the industry has 11.4 months of usable nouns remaining.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/news/nine-in-ten-cannot-define-word-they-are-angry-about/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/news/nine-in-ten-cannot-define-word-they-are-angry-about/Wed, 07 Oct 2026 10:20:00 -0400Martin PughNewsAnger about the word rose 41.2 percent since spring, researchers found, while understanding of it held steady at roughly none.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/local/council-debates-whether-bench-is-a-chair/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/local/council-debates-whether-bench-is-a-chair/Wed, 07 Oct 2026 07:30:00 -0400Lena OkaforLocalEast Varnum Borough Council voted 4-3 to table the question until it can determine whether the council itself is seated on chairs.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/voices/is-the-thermostat-getting-political/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/voices/is-the-thermostat-getting-political/Tue, 06 Oct 2026 12:00:00 -0400Continental Press ServiceVoicesAs households nationwide report tension over a single dial, the Reporter asked residents whether the thermostat has become political.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/nation/department-of-war-abolishes-hours-after-5-am/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/nation/department-of-war-abolishes-hours-after-5-am/Tue, 06 Oct 2026 08:05:00 -0400Continental Press ServiceNationFollowing last week’s early-morning workout with 600 troops, the department says it has eliminated noon, the afternoon, and ‘whatever 3 p.m. thinks it is,’ and that the sun has been notified.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/local/area-dad-declares-thermostat-not-a-democracy/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/local/area-dad-declares-thermostat-not-a-democracy/Tue, 06 Oct 2026 08:05:00 -0400Lena OkaforLocalWhat began as a 19-minute household vote ended at 2:09 a.m. with a new constitution, a six-hour filibuster, and the master bedroom seeking independence.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/opinion/i-am-perfectly-calm-about-the-new-grocery-store-layout/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/opinion/i-am-perfectly-calm-about-the-new-grocery-store-layout/Tue, 06 Oct 2026 06:00:00 -0400Rick HalvorsenOpinionThe cereal is next to the motor oil. The bread is where the cereal was. That is fine. Everything is fine.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/news/man-who-never-watches-the-news-cites-eleven-hours-of-it/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/news/man-who-never-watches-the-news-cites-eleven-hours-of-it/Mon, 05 Oct 2026 14:15:00 -0400Continental Press ServiceNewsDale Pruett, 58, said he gets his information from real people, then summarized a weekend panel, two evening segments, and a call-in program he identified by the host’s first name.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/local/man-who-does-his-own-research-completes-research/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/local/man-who-does-his-own-research-completes-research/Mon, 05 Oct 2026 07:50:00 -0400Continental Press ServiceLocalAfter 14 months, 212 forum posts, and a 600-page binder, Randall Kemper concluded that County Road J was resurfaced by the county.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/sports/coach-says-team-played-hard/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/sports/coach-says-team-played-hard/Sun, 04 Oct 2026 11:40:00 -0400Tom BrezinskiSportsA review of game film found the Ellery State Herons played several things hard in a 38-6 loss to Kessler Tech. Football did not appear to be among them.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/opinion/what-the-founders-would-have-said-about-ranch-dressing/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/opinion/what-the-founders-would-have-said-about-ranch-dressing/Sat, 03 Oct 2026 07:00:00 -0400Constance Merriweather-DunnOpinionOur heritage is clear on the matter of condiments, provided one follows it all the way to the end, which I have.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/world/diplomats-agree-on-nothing/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/world/diplomats-agree-on-nothing/Fri, 02 Oct 2026 18:10:00 -0400Harriet LoweWorldFive days of talks among 14 delegations produced a 42-page communiqué consisting entirely of bracketed text, and a 90-day extension that is itself in brackets.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/voices/what-is-the-correct-number-of-pillows/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/voices/what-is-the-correct-number-of-pillows/Fri, 02 Oct 2026 12:00:00 -0400Continental Press ServiceVoicesThe Reporter asked residents how many pillows a bed should have, and what the others are for.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/opinion/letters-to-the-editor-september/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/opinion/letters-to-the-editor-september/Tue, 29 Sep 2026 10:00:00 -0400Evelyn StrandOpinionReaders respond to recent coverage of a dishwasher, a pony, a thermostat, offside, a man who may be named Gary, and the hot dog, again.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/sports/athlete-thanks-god-coach-agent-sandwich/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/sports/athlete-thanks-god-coach-agent-sandwich/Mon, 28 Sep 2026 13:20:00 -0400Tom BrezinskiSportsEllery State running back Kyle Ostrander’s 41-second postgame acknowledgment named four parties, the last of which was a 9-inch toasted Italian sub with provolone, available at 14 locations.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/opinion/founders-on-the-group-chat-i-reply-by-pony/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/opinion/founders-on-the-group-chat-i-reply-by-pony/Sat, 26 Sep 2026 07:00:00 -0400Constance Merriweather-DunnOpinionThe Committees of Correspondence were the nation’s first group chat. I have restored their customs in full, and my family has removed me from ours three times.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/world/un-speeches-exceed-limit-by-eleven-years/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/world/un-speeches-exceed-limit-by-eleven-years/Thu, 24 Sep 2026 17:30:00 -0400Harriet LoweWorldThe overruns, measured by a podium light that delegates have not looked at since 1960, have moved the session’s projected closing date to March 2038.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/news/fall-arrives-finds-pumpkin-spice-in-its-seat/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/news/fall-arrives-finds-pumpkin-spice-in-its-seat/Wed, 23 Sep 2026 08:00:00 -0400Continental Press ServiceNewsThe season, which began at 8:06 p.m. Eastern time Tuesday, arrived 28 days after the Pumpkin Spice Latte and has asked to speak with whoever is in charge of the calendar.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/nation/pentagon-fails-waist-to-height-standard/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/nation/pentagon-fails-waist-to-height-standard/Thu, 17 Sep 2026 11:25:00 -0400Martin PughNationWith 4,605 feet of waist and 77 feet of height, the building would need to grow about 1.6 miles taller, or lose 4,562.65 feet around the middle, to meet the 0.55 limit.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/news/poll-71-percent-want-change-70-percent-same/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/news/poll-71-percent-want-change-70-percent-same/Thu, 17 Sep 2026 10:15:00 -0400Martin PughNewsThe survey of 2,406 adults found that 141.0 percent of the public holds a firm view on change, a total the pollster described as ‘within the margin of error, broadly.’https://thecontinentalreporter.com/world/nfl-melbourne-crowd-returns-for-day-two/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/world/nfl-melbourne-crowd-returns-for-day-two/Tue, 15 Sep 2026 06:30:00 -0400Continental Press ServiceWorldMelbourne Cricket Ground officials said roughly 41,000 spectators accustomed to matches lasting five days were back in their seats at 10:30 a.m. Saturday with sandwiches and a thermos, waiting for the second innings.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/opinion/my-call-is-important-to-them/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/opinion/my-call-is-important-to-them/Tue, 15 Sep 2026 06:00:00 -0400Rick HalvorsenOpinionI spent three hours and 12 minutes on hold about a dishwasher, listening to a 14-second flute and a woman who insists she values me. I kept count, calmly.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/sports/fans-in-honey-deuce-line-reach-front-after-final/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/sports/fans-in-honey-deuce-line-reach-front-after-final/Mon, 14 Sep 2026 10:45:00 -0400Tom BrezinskiSportsThe line, which formed at 11:02 a.m. Aug. 30, advanced 14 days and roughly 300 yards before its first members received the $23 cocktail at 7:48 p.m. Sunday.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/local/pell-junction-council-claims-foldable-iphone/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/local/pell-junction-council-claims-foldable-iphone/Thu, 10 Sep 2026 09:10:00 -0400Lena OkaforLocalGene Halloway, 63, has folded 11 iPhones in half since 2014, the council found, all of them years before Apple unveiled its own foldable on Wednesday and all of them still, he says, working.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/nation/supporters-say-triumphal-arch-will-make-visitors-winners/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/nation/supporters-say-triumphal-arch-will-make-visitors-winners/Wed, 09 Sep 2026 14:45:00 -0400Continental Press ServiceNationWith excavation announced to begin within two weeks, a supporters’ group has published a list of 1,400 victories visitors may receive, including ’the argument from Thanksgiving’ and a 1994 high school track meet.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/voices/who-is-the-thermostat-for/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/voices/who-is-the-thermostat-for/Wed, 09 Sep 2026 12:00:00 -0400Continental Press ServiceVoicesAs households begin the yearly changeover from air conditioning to heat, the Reporter asked residents whom the thermostat is actually for.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/nation/institute-report-concludes-things-fine-mostly/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/nation/institute-report-concludes-things-fine-mostly/Tue, 08 Sep 2026 11:05:00 -0400Glenn WhitacreNationThe report, 39 months in preparation, consists of a two-page executive summary, 397 pages of appendices, and one page of findings that reads, in full, ‘Fine, mostly.’https://thecontinentalreporter.com/opinion/founders-on-the-presidents-face-on-a-coin/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/opinion/founders-on-the-presidents-face-on-a-coin/Tue, 08 Sep 2026 07:00:00 -0400Constance Merriweather-DunnOpinionOur heritage settled the question of presidential portraits on money in 1792. I have followed the settlement to its conclusion, which is in my coin jar, and also in my mirror.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/local/neighborhood-watch-spots-itself/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/local/neighborhood-watch-spots-itself/Fri, 04 Sep 2026 16:15:00 -0400Continental Press ServiceLocalThe Prairie Lane Neighborhood Watch has logged 61 reports since July of people moving slowly through the neighborhood after dark with flashlights, all 61 of which were the Prairie Lane Neighborhood Watch.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/nation/congress-funds-government-early-plans-reenactment/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/nation/congress-funds-government-early-plans-reenactment/Thu, 03 Sep 2026 07:40:00 -0400Glenn WhitacreNationWith the stopgap signed into law Sept. 2, lawmakers have 28 days with nothing to be up against and have begun rehearsing, in period dress, the all-night session they no longer need.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/news/nasa-telescope-launches-early-universe-not-ready/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/news/nasa-telescope-launches-early-universe-not-ready/Mon, 31 Aug 2026 09:45:00 -0400Continental Press ServiceNewsThe Roman Space Telescope can see roughly 100 times as much sky at once as Hubble’s infrared camera, and about 1 billion galaxies have asked for a few more minutes.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/news/nvidia-quarter-number-will-not-hold-still/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/news/nvidia-quarter-number-will-not-hold-still/Thu, 27 Aug 2026 07:40:00 -0400Martin PughNewsThe figure rose 106 percent from a year earlier and, by the Reporter’s measurement, another 0.41 percent during the time it took to read it aloud.https://thecontinentalreporter.com/nation/washington-monument-finishes-fourth-grand-prix/https://thecontinentalreporter.com/nation/washington-monument-finishes-fourth-grand-prix/Tue, 25 Aug 2026 07:50:00 -0400Glenn WhitacreNationThe 555-foot obelisk, which had not left its spot since 1884, completed all 147 laps of the street circuit established by executive order, stopping once to pit at the Ellipse.